The weight of the world...

One of the issues that I’ve become aware of in recovery, is that I set myself completely unrealistic goals.  This is probably the result of my crazy perfectionism combined with the fact that most of my self-worth tends to derive from making other people happy and the external validation that comes as a result.  Maybe you can relate!?  So I’ve found myself in a completely impossible situation, where I am devoting all of my energy to making everyone around my happy, but whatever decision I make feels like a selfish one (despite not actually considering my own feelings at all!).  This has basically led to massive anxiety, the serious compulsion to binge and a constant throbbing headache for the past week.  As my title might suggest, I have felt as though I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, with no apparent way of solving my predicament.

    

What I’ve realised is, that it isn’t my predicament at all.  I cannot make everything perfect for everyone else, because frankly I’m exhausted and suffering and I have my own battles to fight.  So today I said to myself ‘NO MORE.’  I cannot carry this guilt any longer because it doesn’t belong with me.  I turned down a coffee invitation from a friend (which I never find easy to do), I went to the gym for a de-stressing (moderate & healthy) work-out, I cleaned my house and now I’m about to paint my nails which I’ve wanted to do for two weeks! The headache is gone, my anxiety has decreased, and it’s 6:30pm and I’m yet to have the urge to binge and purge.  RESULT! 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not found it easy to give myself this much needed attention.  It’s felt like I’m letting people down that I really care about, but in having today to myself I’ve gained the perspective that I desperately needed. I wanted to blog about this because I think people-pleasing is something a lot of us ED sufferers struggle with, probably because often we lack self-esteem.  I find it doesn’t take a lot for me to completely lose sight of my own basic needs, while rushing to aid of friends and family.  If this is something that you do, see if you can find some time each day to focus on your needs too.  You might just want to start off with small things, like taking a bath, listening to music or painting your nails!  Treat yourself, you deserve it =)

Rhi

Have courage...

With the endless number of ED behaviours you might engage in, whether it be restricting, bingeing, purging, over-eating (and the list goes on) they all have one thing in common.  They somehow alleviate an anxiety within you, a compulsion, or a fear.  Perhaps for years, you have managed your emotions by managing your food and now you’re at a point where you’re utterly exhausted.  Perhaps you’ve made attempts to change your ways and just ‘be normal’ only to find that within hours or days you’re sucked back into that spiralling obsession over and over.  Perhaps the prospect of trying to eat in a healthy way has just seemed too terrifying a prospect at all.   

I want to start off by saying that Yes... It is terrifying.  And I have found myself on so many occasions saying to myself ‘I just can’t do it.’  But something I have learned recently, is that this is simply a false belief.  I can manage without bingeing and purging.  I can manage without restricting.  When I tell myself otherwise, that’s the eating disorder fighting for survival.  So I challenge you to have courage, and fight back!  When every fibre of your being is screaming for you to binge or restrict, I challenge you to sit with all that emotion and pain and chaos.  I want you to know that when you sit there, it is the most courageous thing you can do.  And even if you don’t manage it this time, keep trying - because that’s bravery too.  Maybe you manage 5 or 10 minutes before acting on behaviours. Maybe this makes you feel despondent, feeling like ‘what’s the point if I’m going to give in anyway’.  But what is so vital for you to remember is that as you steel back these moments you are exerting your control.  You are taking the first step.  You are winning. 

I wrote this quote by Anaïs Nin at the front of my journal to remind myself of what I’m fighting for.  I wanted to share it with you because it really inspired me.  I hope it helps you too! =)

                  

Rhi

A very brief introduction...

Speaking from experience, ‘life’ with an Eating Disorder really isn’t living at all.  Each day is filled with the darkness of painful self-hatred and a monotonous obsession with food.  But that doesn’t have to be where the story ends.  With this blog, my aim is to promote recovery by sharing what I learn on my journey to health and healing and to connect with those of you out there also suffering.  Leaving our Eating Disorders behind is never easy.  No matter how much damage is done to our bodies and minds, we are provided with a false sense of safety and control that is wholly seductive and can trick us time and time again.  This is why support is so vital during recovery. 

Lets help each other =)

Rhi